Tuesday, June 30, 2009
A-L: When is it?
Sister Maria: Forty years to the day after July 7, 1969
A-L: Wow. That's next Tuesday. Good thing we're planning ahead.
Sister Maria: We need a venue.
A-L: Everyone knows 40th anniversary parties take place in the couple's hometown, at the local hall.
Sister Maria: What do you mean by "hometown"?
A-L: The place they're from.
Sister Maria: Do you mean where they live now?
A-L: Or do I mean where they were married?
Sister Maria: Or where they were born?
A-L: Or the town they liked the best?
Sister Maria: Ok, so we've narrowed it down to Laihia, Finland; Compton, Camarillo or Sacramento, California; Las Vegas, Nevada; or Heusenstamm, Germany.
A-L:Who let Sacramento onto the shortlist?
Sister Maria: Public Safety Pete was born there.
A-L: That's ancient history. Can we strike that off the list? No one's going to fly half-way around the world to go to a party in Sacramento. And certainly not in July.
Sister Maria: Who are you planning on inviting?
A-L: Former colleagues, family, old neighbors, teachers, school friends.
Sister Maria: Public Safety Pete has worked at 43 different companies. Are you going to track down all of his former bosses?
A-L: He's worked for his old friend Ed Barker at six different companies, so that cuts it down to 37 bosses. And Don Ford from GE shouldn't be hard to track down. How many Don Fords can there be?
Kitty: 27,300. According to Google.
A-L: Thanks for volunteering to track him down.
Sister Maria: We have to invite the Meyers.
Sister Maria: Our old neighbors.
A-L: In Simi Valley, Somis, Heusenstamm, Mission Viejo, Camas or Camarillo?
Sister Maria: Heusenstamm.
Sister Maria: Ok. How about the Mehers?
Sister Maria: Doesn't mean we can't invite them.
A-L: Thanks for volunteering to do the seating chart.
Sister Maria: Maybe we should have started planning this last week.
Friday, June 26, 2009
A-L: Are you talking about the passing of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett or Michael Jackson?
A-L: You weren't even around when Charlie's Angels was on television.
Kitty: I've seen reruns. What do you think the dog and I do while our assistants are at their day jobs? We act out scenes from Charlie's Angels. I'm always Kate Jackson. She's the smart one. But everyone knows Farrah was the sweet one.
A-L: Did you know that Sister Maria gave swimming lessons to Farrah Fawcett's son?
A-L: No, he's 24 years old now.
Kitty: In Dave and Caroline's pool?
A-L: It was in Los Angeles, not SE Portland. And years ago, before Dave and Caroline were "Dave and Caroline", before Caroline worked at the Macaroni Grill in Little Rock, probably even before the drug lord had the design vision for "1920s Portland architecture meets chain Mexican restaurant."
Kitty: So I image People Magazine has called Sister Maria for a statement.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
A-L: Plural? You have more than one?
Caroline: There is the pool guy who installed the state-of-the-art pool cover, and then there's Juan.
A-L: Most people have just juan. Not two.
Kitty: Now THAT'S the dumbest thing you've ever said.
Caroline: The pool is such a hassle. I know that sounds terribly bourgeois.
Kitty: Um, you have an Arkansas accent and live in Oregon. But I can check with my French friends to see if you can get in on a technicality.
Caroline: I just keep telling myself, "I didn't choose the pool, I chose the pool owner."
A-L: So what's wrong with the pool now? Have the raccoons been laying eggs in it?
Caroline: Quite possibly. It's murky and green and looks like a koi pond, but I think Juan can fix it. He's been taking care of it since the Mexican drug lord lived here.
A-L: Dave used to live with a drug lord?
Caroline: Alas no. A drug lord owned the house previously.
A-L: Oh, right. He's the guy who turned one of the upstairs bedrooms into a huge bathroom with a jacuzzi tub, Mexican tiles, and turquoise walls. The paint color was the tip off that he was high on coke.
Caroline: It's known to all as the porn bathroom. It works really well with the hardwood floor in the rest of the place. The drug lord also put an over-sized roof on the house, which doesn't suit it at all. It used to have a flat roof.
A-L: Maybe he needed a place to store all the cocaine.
Caroline: Anywho, Juan of the pool men is calling me. Gotta run.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Happy Father’s Day to dads who can’t be with their kids this day, and to those who aren’t fathers by biology, but fathers all the same
Happy Father’s Day to moms who play both roles, to dads who think that paying child support is enough, and to those who have chosen their job, hobby, or drug addiction over their children
Happy Father’s Day to new fathers celebrating this day, and to fathers who have left our side
Happy Father’s Day to dads whose kids have long since forgotten that you did the best you could, and to fathers who learned too late you can’t make up for lost time
Thursday, June 18, 2009
P: What happened to your pajamas?
T: I changed because they were getting wet.
P: Why were they getting wet?
T: Because I was bathing the cat.
T: I was bathing the cat. In the toilet.
P's husband had to hide in the next room because he was laughing so hard. So P went upstairs to rescue the cat, who was still in the bathroom. With wet hindquarters.
P: Next time we will bathe the cat in the bathtub. We don't put anything in the toilet.
T: Ok. But now she's clean.
A-L: Good story. What's the cat's name?
P: Funny you should ask. The five-year-old named her. It's Kitty.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
A-L: I'll let Kitty answer that.
Kitty: What is it that you're really asking, DCB?
DCB: Is all of this made up? Is it in your head?
A-L: Let me turn your attention to the posts that involve a talking cat. That dialogue isn't verbatim, as such.
Kitty: True dat. I'm MUCH funnier than you make me out to be.
DCB: So, do you, like, have a split personality?
A-L: Are you asking Kitty, or me?
A-L: Because I make up dialogue?
DCB: Uh huh.
A-L: You know, surprisingly, you're not the first person who's asked if the dialogue is made up. Which I find interesting, because, as above, there's a talking cat involved. Also, people have asked if Kitty is actually me. I'm not sure I know what that means.
Kitty: We look nothing alike. And you wouldn't be allowed to sit on the kitchen table.
A-L: For the record, the conversations are based on real events. Some are verbatim. Others aren't in Latin. And I get to determine what everyone says.
DCB: You're the best carpool buddy I've ever had, and I think the world of you.
A-L: See how that works? Any more questions?
Monday, June 15, 2009
A-L: Not professionally, but quite often.
C.P.: How about these days?
A-L: I haven't known my roommates long enough to set up the Amish Lego village in the kitchen.
C.P.: I went to the Lego store this weekend with my son, T, and I bought a pink Lego house.
A-L: Did T realize that you really bought it for yourself?
C.P.: Oh, I was up front about the fact that it was for me. But I promised to share. So we played Legos yesterday, and T's Assassin Droids came over for afternoon tea.
A-L: I keep forgetting you're Canadian.
A-L: An American would have invited them over for coffee and cake. Or a game of Scrabble. Never tea. So who exactly were the Assassin Droids visiting? Is it one of the Droids who lives in the pink house?
C.P.: No, it's a girl, who came with the house.
A-L: What's her name?
C.P.: I haven't named her yet. I don't identify with her because she's wearing a red shirt and orange pants, which is just wrong.
A-L: Did the Assassin Droids stay long?
C.P.: They ended up staying overnight.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
A-L: But my friend told me that my passive-aggressive behavior doesn’t qualify me for a placard. Or is it for Kitty, who’s chronically manipulative?
Cousin Judy: It’s for your friend who’s going camping. It expired in July 2007, but you can “amend” the date.
Public Safety Pete: Do you know what the fine is for illegally using a handicapped placard?
A-L: Do you know what the fine is for being a spoilsport?
Public Safety Pete: It’s about $3000.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Carpool Buddy: Great. I've rebooked it for September.
A-L: Sounds good.
CB: Do you know anyone who's disabled?
A-L: I'm passive aggressive. My friend Greg diagnosed me years ago.
CB: That doesn't count. I don't think you can get a disabled placard for that.
A-L: Why do you need a placard?
CB: I accidentally booked a disabled campsite at Angel Island, and I don't want to lose this prime spot.
A-L: So you're going to make friends with someone who is disabled, invite them camping, and use their placard to retain the reservation?
A-L: Should I assume you're also looking for a new carpool buddy, who can get you better parking?