Friday, August 25, 2006
Below are some snippets from the responses (and what I wanted to reply):
"cat loving female and hamster in search of happy animal loving flatmates"
(Oh purrfect. Cats and hamsters are natural allies in the wild. And I was trying to think of a way for Kitty to contract rabies.)
"I am 28 years old, a non-smoker and experienced in catcare."
(The cat doesn't need a babysitter. Back off, lady.)
"Are you possibly swedish too?"
(Isn't everyone. They call Stockholm the cradle of civilisation, do they not?)
(She's not for sale. Back off, lady.)
Our team is losing one of its members. The Scottish team member is moving on. So Ted and I have been on the lookout for a suitable replacement. A new flatmate. No small task. We thought the best place to start was the internet: that link to weirdos worldwide. With the click of a button you can invite a Swedish sociopath into your home. Or a Finnish one. As I did.
So we posted an ad on www.gumtree.com.
What does this say about us? Seasoned renters knows that "spacious" means "mildew in the bathroom", and that mentioning the presence of a cat in the headline is a bit, well, crazy cat ladyish...
What do the following ads from gumtree say about their posters?
"Lovely Double Room in quiet flat"
Translation: No closet space AND boring flatmates
"Looking for 6 people to share fab flat 10m from centre"
Translation: Who needs a bedroom with windows?
"Double room (single and double bed) for 2/3 people available from Sept 12th"
Translation: Fractions are lame. And, it's totally cool to share a room with two/thirds other people when you're 25.
"Large double room for couple in house share with South African, Brit, and cute spaniel."
Question: Is it ok to refer to Spaniards that way?
"Are you Irish, Australian, South African, Canadian or a New Zealander click here"
Translation: No Americans.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
A-L: Hi Ted, it's Anna-Lisa, how are you?
Ted: Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: This is Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Sorry, Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: I know Ted, don't you regonize my voice? It's Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Sorry, I do not speak English. I do not understand. Anna-Lisa not home.
A-L: She's with me. I'll tell her I called.
A telephone conversation with Ted last week...
A-L: Hi Ted, it's Anna-Lisa.
Ted: Anna-Lisa, where are you? I have day off. What are you doing?
A-L: I am in town. I will be home late. Can you please feed Kitty?
Ted: No problem. Food?
A-L: Yes Ted, please feed her food.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Questions from the group:
Do the musicians warm up?
Do the airlines ever lose guitars?
We laughed. It was light-hearted. And then foolishly I said, "I wish I had a column. I'd write about it." And the journalist/air guitarist turned to me and said, "I already wrote about it."
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
A little quiz.
Which of these phrases did I write in an e-mail today:
a. I can provide a price quote for you on 300 copies of that title.
b. I'd like to schedule an appointment to meet with you in Frankfurt.
c. Leave it to the Russians to ruin a weekend in Leipzig.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Betty: Hi, I'm A-L.
Ian: Hi, I'm Ian. How do you know Kelly?
Betty: I studied with her. But now I work at XYZ Inc.
Ian: Oh, you work at XYZ??
Ian: Then you'll know me.*
Betty: Sorry, what's your name?
Ian: It's Ian. You'll know me, if you work at XYZ.
Betty: Uh, sorry, I don't know you. What's your surname?
Ian: It's Wilson. I'm Ian Wilson. I'M Ian Wilson.
Betty: Sorry, I don't know you.
Ian: Well, you will if you work at XYZ. I run an organisation based here. Sooner or later I'll call you and ask you to do something for me.
Betty: I work in export.
Ian: Oh, everyone at XYZ does stuff for me. I know Margaret. I always call her. So sooner or later I'll call you and ask you to send me some information.
Betty: I work in export.
Ian: I'll e-mail you if I need some graphics, or pricing info.
(And then I said this in my head...)
Betty: I work in export. You're based in Edinburgh. We're based in Edinburgh. We don't export from Edinburgh to Edinburgh.
*He actually said this. True story. It's my new favourite line: "Then you'll know me."
Saturday, August 05, 2006
A-L: Hi Caroline. I miss you. What’s happening? I need some material for my blog.
Caroline: Hi. I miss you too. Nothing is happening.
A-L: I don’t believe you. You’re planning a wedding.
Caroline: Honestly. Nothing’s happening. We had to re-shoot our engagement photos because our photographer lost our originals. And our violinist flaked out but we found another one.
A-L: I had no idea there was such a thing as a flaky violinist. What about a fiddler? My dad says it’s a violin when you’re sellin’, and a fiddle when you’re buyin’. Or dueling banjos?
Caroline: And a family friend gave us a welcome mat with our latitude and longitude coordinates on it.
A-L: Wow. I didn’t know Macys sold those. How many did you register for?
A-L: Except global positioning doormats. They have a Macy’s in
Caroline: The fiddler. And I got a free tote bag for registering for twelve 5-piece place settings.
A-L: Are you giving it away as a door prize at the reception? Or is it the “new” of the “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue”?
Caroline: No, it’s the “something blue”. And our photographer kept telling us to nuzzle and kiss in front of the camera. Which is not Dave's steez exactly. I mean, that's not how we roll on camera. You can quote me.
A-L: Is that why the photographer destroyed the negatives? And what’s ‘steez’? Is that appropriate for a family audience? My mom and dad read my blog. That’s not
Caroline: It means “style”. Like “illin steez”.
A-L: Woah Caroline, I think we’ve drifted.