A-L: Hi! Happy Anniversary.
Public Safety Pete: Who is this?
A-L: Very funny. That only works once a year.
Irma: Hi. Did you call to wish us a Happy 40th Anniversary?
A-L: I certainly did. And I'll patch Sister Maria in so that she can send her greetings.
Sister Maria: Happy Anniversary. I have bad news. The elaborate anniversary party we've been planning for ages is canceled.
PSP: What happened?
Sister Maria: Michael Jackson stole your venue.
Irma: You were going to have our party at the Stapler Center?
A-L: Funny, my former colleague Hamid used to call the Staples Center that as well.
PSP: Looks like we'll have to settle for leftovers, an evening walk, and then fall asleep watching the 10 o'clock news.
Irma: Speak for yourself, I'm taking the red eye to Vegas and hittin' the black jack tables.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Sunday, July 05, 2009
My Super Cute Neighbor
This is Calvin. My neighbor. He's even sweeter than he looks. His hobbies include chasing the ball, making friends, and napping. (He doesn't know he has one German Shepherd ear, and one Rottweiler ear.)
Kitty: He didn't.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
A Man, A Plan, An Anniversary Party in Panorama City
Sister Maria: Cousin Judy had a great suggestion for the 40th Anniversary party.
A-L: Was it to seat Mrs. Meyer next to Mr. Meher, and vice versa?
Sister Maria: Close. She thought of the *perfect* venue.
A-L: I know exactly what I'm going to make you say.
Sister Maria: That's right, she suggested the Knight's Head Inn in North Hollywood.
A-L: The bar where Pete and Irma met?
Sister Maria: That's right.
A-L: You know Irma's mortified that she met her husband in a bar.
Kitty: Especially since it's really in Panorama City, and not the more-glamorous-sounding North Hollywood.
Sister Maria: Public Safety Pete says it's not there anymore.
A-L: Well, I Googled "Knight's Head Inn", and all I get are some posts from a woman who is looking for her birth mother, who used to work there.
Sister Maria: I'll phone Pete and Irma and ask them if they remember a waitress named Linda Turco.
Kitty: She's on Facebook.
Sister Maria: So we've reunited someone with her mother, but still no venue.
Kitty: Stay tuned.
A-L: Was it to seat Mrs. Meyer next to Mr. Meher, and vice versa?
Sister Maria: Close. She thought of the *perfect* venue.
A-L: I know exactly what I'm going to make you say.
Sister Maria: That's right, she suggested the Knight's Head Inn in North Hollywood.
A-L: The bar where Pete and Irma met?
Sister Maria: That's right.
A-L: You know Irma's mortified that she met her husband in a bar.
Kitty: Especially since it's really in Panorama City, and not the more-glamorous-sounding North Hollywood.
Sister Maria: Public Safety Pete says it's not there anymore.
A-L: Well, I Googled "Knight's Head Inn", and all I get are some posts from a woman who is looking for her birth mother, who used to work there.
Sister Maria: I'll phone Pete and Irma and ask them if they remember a waitress named Linda Turco.
Kitty: She's on Facebook.
Sister Maria: So we've reunited someone with her mother, but still no venue.
Kitty: Stay tuned.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wedded Bliss
Sister Maria: What should we do for Pete & Irma's upcoming 40th wedding anniversary?
A-L: When is it?
Sister Maria: Forty years to the day after July 7, 1969
A-L: Wow. That's next Tuesday. Good thing we're planning ahead.
Sister Maria: We need a venue.
A-L: Everyone knows 40th anniversary parties take place in the couple's hometown, at the local hall.
Sister Maria: What do you mean by "hometown"?
A-L: The place they're from.
Sister Maria: Do you mean where they live now?
A-L: Or do I mean where they were married?
Sister Maria: Or where they were born?
A-L: Or the town they liked the best?
Sister Maria: Ok, so we've narrowed it down to Laihia, Finland; Compton, Camarillo or Sacramento, California; Las Vegas, Nevada; or Heusenstamm, Germany.
A-L:Who let Sacramento onto the shortlist?
Sister Maria: Public Safety Pete was born there.
A-L: That's ancient history. Can we strike that off the list? No one's going to fly half-way around the world to go to a party in Sacramento. And certainly not in July.
Sister Maria: Who are you planning on inviting?
A-L: Former colleagues, family, old neighbors, teachers, school friends.
Sister Maria: Public Safety Pete has worked at 43 different companies. Are you going to track down all of his former bosses?
A-L: He's worked for his old friend Ed Barker at six different companies, so that cuts it down to 37 bosses. And Don Ford from GE shouldn't be hard to track down. How many Don Fords can there be?
Kitty: 27,300. According to Google.
A-L: Thanks for volunteering to track him down.
Sister Maria: We have to invite the Meyers.
A-L: Who?
Sister Maria: Our old neighbors.
A-L: In Simi Valley, Somis, Heusenstamm, Mission Viejo, Camas or Camarillo?
Sister Maria: Heusenstamm.
A-L: Divorced.
Sister Maria: Ok. How about the Mehers?
A-L: Divorced.
Sister Maria: Doesn't mean we can't invite them.
A-L: Thanks for volunteering to do the seating chart.
Sister Maria: Maybe we should have started planning this last week.
A-L: When is it?
Sister Maria: Forty years to the day after July 7, 1969
A-L: Wow. That's next Tuesday. Good thing we're planning ahead.
Sister Maria: We need a venue.
A-L: Everyone knows 40th anniversary parties take place in the couple's hometown, at the local hall.
Sister Maria: What do you mean by "hometown"?
A-L: The place they're from.
Sister Maria: Do you mean where they live now?
A-L: Or do I mean where they were married?
Sister Maria: Or where they were born?
A-L: Or the town they liked the best?
Sister Maria: Ok, so we've narrowed it down to Laihia, Finland; Compton, Camarillo or Sacramento, California; Las Vegas, Nevada; or Heusenstamm, Germany.
A-L:Who let Sacramento onto the shortlist?
Sister Maria: Public Safety Pete was born there.
A-L: That's ancient history. Can we strike that off the list? No one's going to fly half-way around the world to go to a party in Sacramento. And certainly not in July.
Sister Maria: Who are you planning on inviting?
A-L: Former colleagues, family, old neighbors, teachers, school friends.
Sister Maria: Public Safety Pete has worked at 43 different companies. Are you going to track down all of his former bosses?
A-L: He's worked for his old friend Ed Barker at six different companies, so that cuts it down to 37 bosses. And Don Ford from GE shouldn't be hard to track down. How many Don Fords can there be?
Kitty: 27,300. According to Google.
A-L: Thanks for volunteering to track him down.
Sister Maria: We have to invite the Meyers.
A-L: Who?
Sister Maria: Our old neighbors.
A-L: In Simi Valley, Somis, Heusenstamm, Mission Viejo, Camas or Camarillo?
Sister Maria: Heusenstamm.
A-L: Divorced.
Sister Maria: Ok. How about the Mehers?
A-L: Divorced.
Sister Maria: Doesn't mean we can't invite them.
A-L: Thanks for volunteering to do the seating chart.
Sister Maria: Maybe we should have started planning this last week.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Farewell
Kitty: Why aren't you blogging about the passing of a legend? It's the end of an era, and the homepage of your blog is a conversation you had three days ago about some juan.
A-L: Are you talking about the passing of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett or Michael Jackson?
Kitty: Guess.
A-L: You weren't even around when Charlie's Angels was on television.
Kitty: I've seen reruns. What do you think the dog and I do while our assistants are at their day jobs? We act out scenes from Charlie's Angels. I'm always Kate Jackson. She's the smart one. But everyone knows Farrah was the sweet one.
A-L: Did you know that Sister Maria gave swimming lessons to Farrah Fawcett's son?
Kitty: Recently?
A-L: No, he's 24 years old now.
Kitty: In Dave and Caroline's pool?
A-L: It was in Los Angeles, not SE Portland. And years ago, before Dave and Caroline were "Dave and Caroline", before Caroline worked at the Macaroni Grill in Little Rock, probably even before the drug lord had the design vision for "1920s Portland architecture meets chain Mexican restaurant."
Kitty: So I image People Magazine has called Sister Maria for a statement.
A-L: Naturally.
A-L: Are you talking about the passing of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett or Michael Jackson?
Kitty: Guess.
A-L: You weren't even around when Charlie's Angels was on television.
Kitty: I've seen reruns. What do you think the dog and I do while our assistants are at their day jobs? We act out scenes from Charlie's Angels. I'm always Kate Jackson. She's the smart one. But everyone knows Farrah was the sweet one.
A-L: Did you know that Sister Maria gave swimming lessons to Farrah Fawcett's son?
Kitty: Recently?
A-L: No, he's 24 years old now.
Kitty: In Dave and Caroline's pool?
A-L: It was in Los Angeles, not SE Portland. And years ago, before Dave and Caroline were "Dave and Caroline", before Caroline worked at the Macaroni Grill in Little Rock, probably even before the drug lord had the design vision for "1920s Portland architecture meets chain Mexican restaurant."
Kitty: So I image People Magazine has called Sister Maria for a statement.
A-L: Naturally.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The Pool Man
Caroline: Hi. I can only talk for a little while. The pool men are coming over.
A-L: Plural? You have more than one?
Caroline: There is the pool guy who installed the state-of-the-art pool cover, and then there's Juan.
A-L: Most people have just juan. Not two.
Kitty: Now THAT'S the dumbest thing you've ever said.
Caroline: The pool is such a hassle. I know that sounds terribly bourgeois.
Kitty: Um, you have an Arkansas accent and live in Oregon. But I can check with my French friends to see if you can get in on a technicality.
Caroline: I just keep telling myself, "I didn't choose the pool, I chose the pool owner."
A-L: So what's wrong with the pool now? Have the raccoons been laying eggs in it?
Caroline: Quite possibly. It's murky and green and looks like a koi pond, but I think Juan can fix it. He's been taking care of it since the Mexican drug lord lived here.
A-L: Dave used to live with a drug lord?
Caroline: Alas no. A drug lord owned the house previously.
A-L: Oh, right. He's the guy who turned one of the upstairs bedrooms into a huge bathroom with a jacuzzi tub, Mexican tiles, and turquoise walls. The paint color was the tip off that he was high on coke.
Caroline: It's known to all as the porn bathroom. It works really well with the hardwood floor in the rest of the place. The drug lord also put an over-sized roof on the house, which doesn't suit it at all. It used to have a flat roof.
A-L: Maybe he needed a place to store all the cocaine.
Caroline: Anywho, Juan of the pool men is calling me. Gotta run.
A-L: Plural? You have more than one?
Caroline: There is the pool guy who installed the state-of-the-art pool cover, and then there's Juan.
A-L: Most people have just juan. Not two.
Kitty: Now THAT'S the dumbest thing you've ever said.
Caroline: The pool is such a hassle. I know that sounds terribly bourgeois.
Kitty: Um, you have an Arkansas accent and live in Oregon. But I can check with my French friends to see if you can get in on a technicality.
Caroline: I just keep telling myself, "I didn't choose the pool, I chose the pool owner."
A-L: So what's wrong with the pool now? Have the raccoons been laying eggs in it?
Caroline: Quite possibly. It's murky and green and looks like a koi pond, but I think Juan can fix it. He's been taking care of it since the Mexican drug lord lived here.
A-L: Dave used to live with a drug lord?
Caroline: Alas no. A drug lord owned the house previously.
A-L: Oh, right. He's the guy who turned one of the upstairs bedrooms into a huge bathroom with a jacuzzi tub, Mexican tiles, and turquoise walls. The paint color was the tip off that he was high on coke.
Caroline: It's known to all as the porn bathroom. It works really well with the hardwood floor in the rest of the place. The drug lord also put an over-sized roof on the house, which doesn't suit it at all. It used to have a flat roof.
A-L: Maybe he needed a place to store all the cocaine.
Caroline: Anywho, Juan of the pool men is calling me. Gotta run.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Happy Father's Day, Public Safety Pete
Happy Father’s Day to my dad who has given me a better life than he had
Happy Father’s Day to dads who can’t be with their kids this day, and to those who aren’t fathers by biology, but fathers all the same
Happy Father’s Day to moms who play both roles, to dads who think that paying child support is enough, and to those who have chosen their job, hobby, or drug addiction over their children
Happy Father’s Day to new fathers celebrating this day, and to fathers who have left our side
Happy Father’s Day to dads whose kids have long since forgotten that you did the best you could, and to fathers who learned too late you can’t make up for lost time
Happy Father’s Day to dads who can’t be with their kids this day, and to those who aren’t fathers by biology, but fathers all the same
Happy Father’s Day to moms who play both roles, to dads who think that paying child support is enough, and to those who have chosen their job, hobby, or drug addiction over their children
Happy Father’s Day to new fathers celebrating this day, and to fathers who have left our side
Happy Father’s Day to dads whose kids have long since forgotten that you did the best you could, and to fathers who learned too late you can’t make up for lost time
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